Lockdown has given me psychic powers. Behold, your fate....
Capricorn. You will receive a call from Mastercard telling you that your QAnon account has been compromised and the police are going to arrest you. You have a lovely chat, give him your credit card details and feel much better that someone has your back. Drink your coffee and take those empty wine bottles to recycling.
Aquarius. You head to the park with a kettlebell which you then swing into your forehead and knock yourself out. I won’t go into the rest of the horoscope because you’re completely unconscious. By the way, your head is resting in dog shit.
Pisces. It’s vaccine day. The male nurse who is injecting you is devastatingly good looking and has gentle manly fingers. You instantly divorce your wife and form a same-sex relationship with him and are thrilled to find that when one of you farts in bed, both of you think it’s funny. Who knew?
Aries. Your internet connection dies which means you can’t connect to that extremely dull HR Zoom meeting you were summoned to. You later discover why watching erotic wrestling on your work computer can end in tears.
Taurus. You ordered a new gold spandex singlet online. It arrived this morning. Strangely, it adds to your sense of loneliness and cuts into your balls. Have a cup of tea.
Gemini. A creepy neighbour flashes at you in a socially-distanced advance. These tea leaves are the cheap and nasty ones from Aldi, so it’s not clear whether it’s the plump elderly lady across the road or the sexually confused teenager at the back who leaves his lights on when he masturbates, which is most of the time. I knew I should have gone to Waitrose.
Cancer. Your long-distance has sent you a saucy valentine’s parcel. Sadly, he failed to put enough postage on it which means that you are out of pocket. As it came from the EU to the UK, you also have a £250 import duty bill to pay.
Leo. Through careful analysis, and repeated viewings of Father Ted, you finally distinguish between small and far away. You will henceforth adopt a faraway expression when looking at yourself, naked, in the mirror.
Virgo. The picture of Donald Trump that you taped to your punchbag hits you back when you break concentration to read a text message. Serves you right too. Praise Jesus. Let's all speak in tongues.
Libra. It is gratifying to know that your partner understands your deepest needs, especially when those needs center around anabolic steroids and pimple cream.
Scorpio. You’re always looking for people to massage your ego, which is massive progress given that it used to be your crotch and god knows what else.
Sagittarius. On your socially-distanced woodland run, 3 miles from the nearest road, you discover that beartraps are just as effective on any type of foot, including yours. Sit on a stump, write a horoscope and post it to Meetfighters while you still have blood supply and battery life.