“It's very strange, I thought, but things are so unreal for them normally that they believe that to call a thing by name is to make it so. And yet I am what they think I am.” - Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

“I am upset because I was not the center of attention and nobody said I was the prettiest.” - Blanche Devereaux

Today a friend sent me a screenshot of a tumblr post with pictures of my BG East match with Chace LaChance. The author had written a story to go along with the pictures, similar to the match descriptions on the BG East website, that focused on the contrast between Chace’s body and mine. “There’s something appealing about seeing a younger tanned built dude...take on an older fit DILF!!!” it begins. He’s described as having “more time for the gym” while I am “too busy with the kids to work out...but still in good shape.” The description goes on in this vein, and at one point the author imagines Chace taunting me by calling me “old timer.”

Now, I won’t lie—my first reaction was shock, and my reply to my friend was a gif of a man jumping out a window, which I meant as a joke, mostly. As much as I should be flattered being called fit or a DILF, I couldn’t help but focus on the negatives. Part of me wondered, why drag my 37-year-old butt to the gym 4 times a week if I’ll just end up looking like I’ve let myself go?

But then I put my Professor Hulk glasses on and thought about it some more. The author wasn’t trying to insult me—he doesn’t know me. He was just using my image to get across a certain idea he has in his head that turns him on. And so what if he or his readers think I look a little soft next to a professional fitness model? The images on gay tumblr mostly come from a fantasy world where you can get huge just from working out regularly, and anyone who isn’t jacked must not be trying. I know that I work hard to stay in decent shape on top of my other responsibilities. And part of the effort required to look that big is taking in a huge amount of calories each day. I tried that for a while and mostly felt miserable (and very gassy). Oh! And most importantly, I reminded myself that the guys who really turn me on tend to be on the slender side—the Kirk Donohues and Skrappers and Christian Taylors—than guys with exaggerated muscular physiques. So why in the world would I beat myself up over not looking a way that I don’t personally find that attractive to begin with? It’s madness, and all comes back to our need for outside approval to counter the insecurity we feel inside.

I’m still gonna hit the gym tonight—back and biceps—and remind myself that I’m not accountable to anyone but the guy in the mirror, who I think looks okay the way he is, though there’s always room for improvement. And maybe I will suggest that BG East start a “Dueling DILFs” series, where average-looking suburban dads wrestle in a secret basement while their wives and kids are sleeping. :)

-Mason

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Last edited on 6/12/2019 6:51 PM by mason brooks
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Comments (14)

hugefan (105) 6/12/2019 7:55 PM

Well you look pretty great to me and old? Pleeeeeease. I didn't realise you were a film star, let me know what vid you are on and I will give you a wrestling critique ha ha. We mortals have the same issue at the gym I think I look ok for 50 but if I saw you there I would think why don't I have a great chest like that or whatever other body part I was wishing was better. I think we all just need to compare ourselves with our past selves rather than the full time gym bunnies. They are for watching online beating up sexy 37 year olds ha ha

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Jedi (31) 6/12/2019 8:56 PM

Great post, showing wisdom by a young man! You are correct, the point of working out is to feel good, be fit, have fun, and satisfy yourself. We are all on the same boat, hearing the same band as time passes and the icebergs float by. It's good to remember this, and keep each other company on the mats/ring while we are able.

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badbigheel (3) 6/13/2019 1:08 AM

Well written. Good message.

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pinningmuscle (0) 6/13/2019 1:20 AM

Well done. One many fronts actually. It’s well-written; but you know you’re a good writer. But secondly, I like that you had a sense of humor about it. Not many guys would feel like you did. You look great.

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NJWoodbridge (149) 6/13/2019 3:26 AM

As someone who has always looked older than what he really was (is) - which btw was handy when I was 16 and getting into bars - let me just say you look great - not a day over 21. SALUTE!

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Dogfighter5 (120) 6/20/2019 5:55 AM

I like the way you think everything is relative and I hardly consider you the Dad type geez you're young!

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pinningmuscle (0) 6/20/2019 12:13 PM

(In reply to this)

I know. He’s 20 years away from the being called a dad.

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Yngrasslr00 (121) 6/20/2019 10:41 PM

This is a good post and one we all can learn from even those of us without "dad bods". You yourself have been blessed to have had a lot of positive attention they ur past bids (which I love!) And might have helped u in securing a man who u know will accept you just for you, which I think deep down may not us are looking for (boyfriend, ultimate rival, wrestling twin, best fight bro, etc).

This doesn't just go for those who just may be over the ideal weight but also us guys who fall under the ideal weight. I get rejected constantly because of my size and not having real hardcore training in my background, but my natural dancer's body and flexibility has helped me secure matches along with good recs.

It's a struggle to NOT get caught up and judge urself constantly because this community sprang from the underground of the gay community in back sections of dirty mags and naughty mailing lists that circulated in the 80s and 90s before everything was streamlined by the internet. All we can do is remember we are not limited to our current state and can change according to our own standards and no one else's. And perhaps we all will find that ultimate partner we seek instead of seeking validation from the majority of this community, I still struggle with this personally and I recognize how hard it is but it's something we all strive towards.

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NJWoodbridge (149) 6/20/2019 10:51 PM

(In reply to this)

A nice supplement to Mason's post. Oh, and btw, anyone who turns down a match with you because of your size or lack of "hardcore" training is a fool.

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Yngrasslr00 (121) 6/20/2019 11:00 PM

(In reply to this)

As many fools as past opponents for me then...consistency! 😅😅

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elpectoral (6) 6/24/2019 12:29 AM

Hi, I just read your blog entry "the old timer's club" and got really addressed by your closing sentence re wrestling in secret basements while wife and kids sleeping at home. I've been doing the same - without involving BG East :) - for over ten years now and each time I do it feels like a sin. A solid part of my motivation is sexual so I feel the guilt of committing adultery. At the same time I feel no shame since I don't see any sense in repressing my impulse to fight against men. Do you feel a similar antagonism coming along with your secret identity as a wrestler?
J

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Jedi (31) 6/24/2019 2:41 AM

In the original Greek, "Sin" would be better translated/captured as "missing the mark", as in archery. You may have hit the target, but not the center. This begs the question, what are you aiming for?

Fighting against men can be arousing, but does not have to be sexual if it makes you feel bad afterwards. Fighting, and the arousal that comes with it is something some (and most of us on this site) come by naturally. It is not a choice, or many of us, before we understood what it was, would have chosen differently, when we realized we were not like everyone else. Like many other things, it's part of us. A person of faith comes to accept this as part of what God put into our mix. Our job is how to honor it, live live with it, to live life more fully.

Our culture is excellent at heaping guilt, especially when sexuality is involved (including our religions). Our culture is a poor guide in living fully alive.

No easy answers, but if you are feeling bad, that's a marker that something is off, that you are missing the mark. However, you are driven to meet and struggle against other men, honoring something deep in your make-up. You sound like you have commitments to family which are meaningful and important. How do you creatively meet all of these with integrity? For me, figuring out what parts made me feel bad and limiting them, what parts were critical in feeling whole and maximizing them, and being as open with everyone as possible helped.

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elpectoral (6) 6/25/2019 1:06 AM

(In reply to this)

I feel exactly the same about what you say regarding what was put into our mix and that there was no option for me to choose. This is also why I don't feel guilty about myself. But when I meet another man for this primal quest for physical victory or defeat - and whatever comes along with it - I feel guilty about the role I have adopted in my civil life. However, I wanted to adopt this role and I still do. Hence the antagonism remains...

The good thing is that I accepted the fact that I'm not like - how you put it - everyone else. Particularly since people like us know that the dimension of everyone else is not as homogeneous as it appears to be ;)

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carlos34534 (0) 28 days ago

Hi Mason,
Just let me correct one thing you said. You don't look "okay". You look fucking hot. Your body is much hotter than Chace's. And you're much more handsome. And regarding the age, come on, you look young, without a doubt.
BTW, I would have loved to see you destroy Chace in that match.
Take care

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