hephaestion2014's blog

"The problem with you - "

Always a great start to any conversation.

" - is that you are the same on the mats as off!"

Well yeah, I don't suddenly become 7ft tall and the build of a pitbull dog the moment my foot hits the blue mat. I don't suddenly become a glamazon called Cherise that smothers him with my gigantic boobs ... but I kinda get what he means.

I've wrestled a couple of people who before the match and during it feel like two different personaes. The guy who was just apologising for accidentally stepping on my foot as we made our way into the matroom is now calling me a "jobber fucking bitch" and bending my limbs into shapes that I didn't think was physically possible and his grin is getting wider as my pain is increasing.

Not everyone has that marked difference. But they relax into aggression and become a more primal version of themselves.

"You don't let go ... you're holding back ... stop holding back ... "

Perhaps. I've gone over this before and not rehashing it. Brought up believing being gay and fighting/aggression was wrong blah blah wanting to be accepted blah blah not scare an opponent blah blah

"I've got a solution ... wear a mask. Give yourself and your opponent permission to see you differently. A separation between the Jon on and off the mats."

I dunno. Sounds like this might be a conversation I'll be recounting to a trickcyclist on a leather couch after spending a month referring only to myself in the third person ... I dunno

I used to do some acting in my past, sucked at it, but I did find a prop was useful - maybe this will help me break that block I have a teensy bit.

Maybe I'll even not say "sorry" as I'm owning my opponent.

Well, a mask will improve the aesthetic experience for my opponent anyway ;)

So mask on or off? Do you think it'll actually help make me a bastard on the mats?

Do I even want to be a bastard?

Wrestling spaces are great.

I'm kind of over the Travelodge match and find them more a necessary evil than a pleasure. Tell me that there is a matroom or wrestling ring, and I want to go there. Especially when there's a feeling in the air (Nottingham being a case in point) that they feel an endangered species.

So when I get invited to a wrestle by a favourite opponent in Walthamstow, I immediately say yes ... then realise I have no idea where that is.

I know Walthamstow is East 17, so am expecting it to be a land of woollen beanie over sized trousers wearing ecstasy popping pop stars screaming how "it's alright" in "the house of love" ...

Now confession time, my navigational skills are bad. My inner compass is very confused. It took me two trips to Manchester to realise that if I just walked in a straights line from Picadilly (like everyone else) that id be soon in the Gardens .. but no, I see that nice bridge to the left, wander over that then through car parks and court buildings till by accident I come upon the Gardens ... so I'm a teensy bit concerned that the journey to the distant land of Walthamstow will involve jumping many tube lines, eating a bagel at London Bridge whilst I wander around trying to find the tube entrance.

No such problem. I can get on the tube at my beloved Euston and in 15mins be at my station. In fact, my well worn tube map tells me that Walthamstow Central is well connected. So that's a plus. Like High Barnet, I do like an end of the line stop.

Meet my opponent at the entrance to the station after a quick coffee and muffin as a reward to myself for getting on the right line and in the right direction, and after a brief walk, down an alley, door opened and I see the space.

My opponent points out the high ceilings (almost of Edinburgh standard ) and the balcony/viewing space in which you can look down on the action in what my eye has automatically been drawn to, the wrestling ring.

There's a matted area to one side of the space, and the mats feel great and good amount of room to roll around on, but my eye is immediately drawn to the ring. Which is strange because not being a pro guy, the wrestling ring shouldn't have that much appeal to me, but it does ...

Anyone who has ever been with me at Pippas might be surprised at this admission as I'm always ducking the chance to use the ring there, but here and in this space, it kinda seduces you to enter.

So first chance, off into the ring I get. I tentatively put my weight against the ropes, yep, sturdy to take my weight and look at the ring floor itself. Feels comfortable. I'm aware that sometimes boxing rings are used as wrestling rings, and the floor of those can be scratchy and about as pleasant as carpet burns. No such problem here. It's comfortable in that one or two odd times I find myself on my back in the ring, yeah, just the odd one or two or three. Okay, a few times.

Wrestling aside, the space had good facilities. Lovely toilet, better than mine at home - plus a necessity after a hard sweaty bout, a shower too.

But I still go back to the ring in my head. It's my favourite part of the building and something I look forward to using again and again.

And that's kind of the point. We are very lucky in the UK - and especially England that we have spaces like Walthamstow, High Barnet, Manchester, Grove Park and Stockwell to use and are lucky that the owners of them are able to make that profit and keep them going. After all, its a business not a charity.

But if we don't use them, we will all be doomed to use those hotel rooms to try our best to wrestle amongst the cramped space and crap furniture.

So don't forget to support them whichever one you use or prefer, if you don't use it, you lose it and the UK wrestling scene slowly dies ... and if you do, maybe they'll stay another day.

Sometimes a truth will hit you. It'll be a simple truth. Something that is so obvious that you feel a total idiot for not realising it sooner.

In my case, it happened when I was wrestling with ImtiazAli.

I was feeling a bit cocky at one point in my match with him because for a brief second, I had rolled him but then in the next second I was tied up in a hold and resisting the urge to tap ... I tapped :)

I said something, I can't remember exactly what but something along the lines that I thought I'd have him on the defence and suddenly I was. Again it's not verbatim his reply but along the lines that you should be defending when you attack and attacking when you defend.

Simple huh?
Never thought about it that way. In my head, I have always been one or the other - I either defend or attack. I have been binary in my thinking. That probably explains whenever I have lost the lockup, I lose the bout.

I guess I had been importing the pro concept of jobber/heel into my subs. Once I'm in defence, I become "jobber-like" where it becomes all about withstanding, resisting the attacks but with a general sense that I'm going to be defeated.

It was clear to me in that second that my mindset had been wrong. I wasnt so much valiantly fighting and accepting inevitable defeat but giving away my power and control.

This made me think of another match.

A while ago, too long ago, I was talking to another wrestler about type of matches I'd like to have or like to watch. (Messy/mud wrestling is still in there folks!) I'm not sure how or who mentioned it first, but a rope match was mentioned that soon lead to the dog and collar chain matches that I used to enjoy watching as a kid/teen/"yoof" and always wanted to be in ... so A led to B which leads to C which resulted in a collar being placed around mine and my opponent's neck. A chained together. I trusted the other guy, felt at ease with him or else I wouldn't have done it. He had some experience, I hadn't so was nervous but he had reassured me that as I was new to it, it'd be okay if I played gently, cautiously and wasn't swinging him around and tying him up in knots with the chain whilst I worked him over ;)

What does this have to do with ImtiazAli's earlier wisdom? My rigid thinking.

I had never really thought of myself as a heel. I'm too nice and wombly to be a heel. I don't have that mean streak, I'll apologise as I kick you around the ring. Genuinely got a sub, and said sorry recently. But here I was in the heel role. Half of me wanted to be on the other side of the chain, but the other half of me, "Thug Jon", was enjoying be in that position of power/control

And I know in the case of that chain match, it was a false sense of power and control. He was much stronger than me, better wrestler than me and probably up there in my top five of wrestlers if he wanted to win ;)

As I grew more confident with how the chain and chain matches worked. How the chains weight felt in my hand and how it moved as we wrestled. When i grew confident that I wasn't going to accidentally injure him badly. ( Think only i got the nasty surprise choke ... never put your knee on your half of the chain #toptip) Then the power was gradually flowing from him to me because i was more relaxed and confident. I was a little less of a pretend heel. I was taking charge not being given it by the end. I know next time, I'll be a proper "thug" a little bit earlier ;)

I have always thought of myself as someone who thought in grey but it turns out when it comes to wrestling I have been thinking in black and white. That hasn't helped me at all with my wrestling. I've been adopting roles not giving myself to the fight.

Subs wrestling is different to pro because whereas Pro is about exchanging power, in subs, you can't. If you are in defence, you can't stay defensive, look for that chink in the armour.

Every attack isn't just a moment to resist but an opportunity to turn it into an attack. Every connection is a vulnerability. An arm extended is a lever, an invitation to grab and lock. A shifting of position is a momentary loss of balance and readjustment. Don't give your power and control away. Defend looking for that hole of attack.

And the heel/jobber dichotomy has no place in subs. I'll have to rid myself of that thought.

Sorry, I rambled on. Again.

Wrestling is a funny thing. So many people to beat, so little time ;-)

But in the UK, everyone is spread over the place and because our public transport is woeful here that unless you drive, a lot of people that you want to take on, you can't. Seriously, it's easier for me to get to Manchester/Stoke/York than it is to get to Cambridge/Nottingham.

Putting all those new challenges aside, there are also the people that you have met that you want to take on again ... but rematches worry me.

When you were a kid, I'm sure that you all had a favourite tv show/film that you loved and would have watched for hours on end. I have a couple. Then one day whilst browsing the web, you come across it again, give it a look and ... you really used to like it? The special effects that were so dazzling was a polystyrene rock and everything seemed to be filmed in the same overcast quarry and as for the acting ... its a crappy second first impression.

I have that worry with rematches. I know I've only been on here two years, and it sounds like I should be writing this after five/six years but I have had some incredible matches on here. Ones that I smile just thinking about, then grimace as I remember the aches and pains after, then smile again.

Trouble is, some matches were so good that I worry that if the rematch isn't as good (Man, I've put on weight since then) that it might tarnish the happy memory of what have been golden matches. Not Golden because I necessarily won, but golden because they pushed me forward, I learnt something about myself and wrestling.

Now, I know I shouldn't worry about this too much as I have repeated wrestles with a fair few guys and enjoyed them just as much, if not sometimes more - less nervous, more relaxed and can get rougher.

Perhaps I should stop worrying about things that might happen, and more worry about things that won't happen because I'm worried that something may happen ;)

I don't know, maybe I live in my head too much thinking and worrying about things.

"So you straight or gay?"

Well, I tend to get fed up of this question. Not because of the fact that it's a question that forces us to reduce our identity down to one thing, but also because of the assumption about wrestling behind it.

If you answer straight, automatically both parties know that the wrestling is going to be just wrestling. No funny business. But if you answer gay, there's an assumption you might be up for the more erotic style.

Which is a huge assumption and one that isn't really all that correct. I have wrestled numerous guys who identify as gay that haven't been looking for the erotic part, because they are either in a relationship etc, or more importantly because they just enjoy wrestling for the male bonding or serious about wrestling as just a sporting activity.

"So you like Rugby? You straight or gay?"
If the guy answers he is gay, you are not going to assume mid tackle, he's going to pull down your rugby shorts and start to grope you in the middle of the match. Well, not outside of porn. The same with tennis, or soccer or long distance running.

I wish people would ask instead, "you looking for erotic or non erotic wrestling?"

It's more precise, and an accurate way to discover what both guys are really looking for, and not assuming that a shared sexuality means a shared universal goal in wrestling.

But be honest in your answer, if you say you don't want to do erotic, don't go changing your answer halfway through..